Running for it: Thoughts on body image and refusing the haterade
Thursday, November 17, 2011 at 11:32PM So, I'm training for a 10K.
A good friend of mine who I train with sometimes posted on her facebook wall, “Katie and I are going for a run!” I assumed that this would be met with words of encouragement from our friends, but upon seeing the responses, I was pretty wrong about that. Most responses were of disbelief (“Say whaaaaaat?”), and when I had joked that it was mostly my friend running ahead of me as I attempted to keep up, I was met with “That makes more sense.”
I paused to think about my friends' reactions before flying off the handle. I was pretty hurt that, clearly, it appeared that my friends all thought I was a fatass and the thought of me exercising was something of an urban legend.
Look, I know I'm a big girl. I've been the size that I am for seriously the past eight years, and I've been pretty comfortable in my body for this period of time. Unlike most girls my size, I've got a little height to work with and I always check out well at the doctor's office—blood pressure, cholesterol, joint pressure, all that. I think because of this, I've always been happy with the way that I've looked.
Plus, I'm fucking awesome. Don't deny it! I'm hilarious and kind and a good friend. I'm not even going to try to be modest. I'm a good time, and I can get many to vouch for that. My schedule is always packed with fun and friends, for which I am always grateful.
I think it's interesting, though, that when I made a choice to be healthier, that I was met with discouragement right from the get go. Nevermind the fact that I was already more than anxious to start road-running again. I wonder if this is a reason that most girls, who are also overweight, don't take the first steps to get on the road to healthy again. They don't have a support system, they begin to doubt themselves, and they simply don't have the mental strength to push through any roadblocks, but just quit instead. This leads to a hearty helping of self-doubt, which is pretty much the destroyer of most personal goals.
Growing up, I was unpopular. I was bullied all the time. Fat, ugly, freak, I've heard it all. Some from my own brother, who was incredibly popular during gradeschool. The teasing from him and his friends was so painful to me that we had to go to separate high schools. Not to mention that I was one of the only minorities during my elementary and junior high years, and was always treated as something different or weird. I felt like a huge, gross, ugly fat kid. My mother constantly (and still) told me that I just needed to “lose ten pounds.” Just what every girl wants to hear, that even her mom thinks she's a huge, gross, ugly fat kid.
When I went back home recently, I found some pictures of me from high school. I was not fat. At all. I actually look really awesome. My skin is clear and my face shape is a rounded heart. I had great hair and looked healthy. Normal. I had a few, uhhhh QUESTIONABLE fashion choices, but who the hell didn't?? We were all 16 and didn't know what the hell we were doing. Anyway. It was incredibly disheartening to me to know that I was so stressed out and sad about the way that I looked in high school when there was absolutely no reason to be.
Until now, whenever I had thoughts of possibly losing weight, it has always, ALWAYS been met with skepticism and doubt, from friends and family alike. From experience, the first two weeks are crucial—you are sensitive and vulnerable and scared. Any doubt or discouragement in this period of time hits tenfold. I was lucky that, even though the initial blow of those comments from my friends was fairly brutal, I had enough encouragement from other friends and my own self-awareness (OF HOW AWESOME I AM) to push me through, keep me motivated, and out of a dark place.
Which brings me to a little side note: I will admit that some of this weight was lost in an unhealthy way. I was sick for about a week or so, which weakened my body in general, and I shed a few pounds. I was also in somewhat of a seasonal depression for a period of time where I didn't feel like eating much, and lost a good 10-15 lbs from lack of nutrition. I know this wasn't the best, but I did snap out of it and I'm mentally in a good place again. I did gain a bit of weight back, but it was lost again through running and careful meal-planning. Like many New Yorkers, I became somewhat of an alcoholic for awhile, and I've also cut out 95% of the alcohol I used to drink, which is saving my waistline as well as my wallet.
So, I'm running, I am a runner. The weight is coming off (about 36 lbs so far) but what matters to me most now is distance, endurance, pushing my body to be stronger, eating better so that I can run that extra few minutes, those extra few steps. I'm finally getting encouragement from the naysayers, but it was after I basically said fuck their bullshit, I am going to do this anyway. I needed something to focus on to get me out of a dark place, and their bullshit wasn't going to stop me from doing that.
I guess I'm sharing this because there are going to be lots of people, some your friends, who are going to try to get you to drink a LOT OF HATERADE. But, they can keep it for themselves—you have better things to do with your precious time.
Reader Comments (16)
Keep running. Sometimes when you are proving people wrong, it helps you be stronger. FUCK EM!
You are awesome, as I ALWAYS TELL YOU, but I agree that it sucks when it feels like people you thought were your friends don't appear to be supportive. I have to say that you (and a few other people I know) have led me to question if MAYBE I MIGHT want to start running, because I have been super lazy for a while now and really need to start doing some exercise again. SO HOORAY FOR MOTIVATION.
I'm glad you were able to rise above the initial hate, and YOU GO GIRL for losing so much weight in a healthy way and for generally trying to live a healthier life. THESE ARE EXCELLENT THINGS.
JUST TO CLARIFY my first sentence of my previous comment: the friends you mention were NOT being supportive. I realized the way I worded it wasn't very clear and could be misread. I just mean they might not have realized how hurtful their comments/lack of support really were. I hope that makes sense now. >.>
Darrell: I will keep running, always. <3
Nicole: Thanks so much for your support. I know that my friends that made those comments probably didn't realize they were hurtful, but that doesn't make it any less painful. I'm over it now, because I didn't let it get to me and I'm still run run running. XD
I don't think running is for everybody--I'll admit that the first mile still makes me want to shoot myself in the face, but the end result is that I'm happier and moving forward, which was the goal to begin with. <3
<3 T^T you go katie. i'm excited for you to be able to run- because i do not. you may be healthier than i am the next time i see you XD i know that's nothing to brag about- but that's awesome that you're doing that. and the weight- is a goal, but it's not necessarily what your true outcome should be- it should be just being able to like yourself more and be happier with yourself :)
weird, I thought I left a comment on here, but I don't see it now :(?? I'll try again - Katie, Keep running!! You inspire me to try to take better care of myself too. I'm so sorry people are being dicks and aren't supportive. <3 <3 You are going to do awesome at the 10k!
Iris: Thanks! :D I'm not really concentrating on the weight numbers, but moreso how I feel, totally. :D
San: Health is important! We only have one of us, so I probably needed to get my ass in gear, too. I'm lucky I have friends like you who inspire me to keep going. <3
Ugh, I can't believe people said that to you. I hope nothing I've said has ever discouraged you. I'm reminded of someone else who was talking about how she was trying to lose weight, and basically her experience was that people were happy to encourage her, but said or somehow indicated that they did not want to see her while she was losing weight.
If you lived near me, I'd totally go out and run with you. And probably be worse than you cause I haven't run in forever.
Also, the thing with your mom telling you that? I feel like that's one of the most discouraging things. Earlier in the year, my dad actually told me I looked like I was three months pregnant. You know what I look like. I haven't changed that much since you've seen me, and I still don't weigh enough to give blood. That month I actually went off on my mom since she told some joke about me gaining weight in the middle of some group gathering. I think my point went through, since I haven't really gotten comments from either my mom or my dad in awhile. But, it pretty much made me want to be as unhealthy as I could and make them see what "fat" really looks like. It really pissed me off, and I hate it when I hear about other people having the same/worse experience.
Anyway! I'm glad you're not discouraged. :D
And best of luck with your 10k! Would love to read up about your experience after it happens. :)
Yil: Thank you so much, girl. I love my mom, and I know she means well, but it doesn't really help that I'm already a little scared and to have the added pressure--a little more scary and exasperating. >.< But, like I said in this post, I'm pretty much past the point of giving up and just taking it a day at a time. It's all really hard for me still,and that first mile every day is brutal, but it's getting easier every day.
Maya: Thanks! I'm definitely going to blog the hell out of my race. My mom's going to be there so I'm sure there will be 8 billion pictures.
I know this is from a few days ago, but I saw the link on FB and wanted to read the post.
You know I fucking hate running and exercise for exercise's sake. HOWEVER, you know, honestly, hearing you talk about running has been really refreshing...not because it makes me re-evaluate how much I freaking hate running, but because I know you also were not into running originally, but you've really kept at it, and you've talked about how good it's ultimately made you feel.
It's nice to hear that from someone: "I originally despised doing this, but now it makes me feel really good and I'm glad I did it." I'd like to be more healthy, but a lot of times I also feel like I'm on the other side of the fence...I have this expectation of exercise "BEING SO FUN" because people who are *into* working out *enjoy* it. I hate working out. A lot. So then when I go do it, I'm just like, "This is effing miserable, why in the hell did I ever decide to try this? I'm just not that person."
It's nice to hear someone say that exercise is for everyone, even if that first mile really makes you want to shoot yourself. I can guarantee that all the miles would continually make me want to shoot myself forever, but the way you talk about it, it actually makes me believe that maybe the long-term good outweighs that misery...and who knows. Somewhere in there, I know you've talked about moments when you get past "the wall" where it feels great. AND I BELIEVE YOU, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU FIND RUNNING DIFFICULT...but you still do it and talk about the benefits. Thanks for doing that. :)
Emily: I still don't love running, but I do it anyway because after a run I feel better than I've felt in ages. I'm not going to lie and say that it's easy, because it certainly isn't! I think that people who say that running is easy and fun all the time are sort of lying. It's not easy sometimes, and it's not fun sometimes. But, what I DO know about it, is that I feel healthier, my mood in general is much happier, I *am* getting stronger, I am fitting into clothes I haven't worn in years, and I am going up flights of stairs without wanting to kill myself.
I started just walking--and walking a mile was also hard in the beginning. I needed something to sort of focus on to keep me away from feeling depressed, and this helped me, definitely.
HECK YES KATIE! i hear you sista!?! those brewing haterade need to STOP (carmel style)
i appreciate you opening up about your thoughts and feelings on this issue. great way to bring about awareness and identify those things. while shock and bewilderment over your "get fit" pursuit might begin with discouragement, the end result/continuing pattern is most gratifying to yourself...and no one else. so you're completely right, don't waste your precious time or energy on negativity.
Go onnnn with your bad self lady!?!? YERP! ::hi-five:: keep that focus! i love you, you are inspiring and uplifting.
May: omg STOP!!! YOU are such an inspiration and an amazing friend, and have been since the beginning of our TWEW FWENDSHIP. I owe you a lot for keeping me focused and positive. love love love. <3
I also met with a lot of "haterade" people when I started my weight loss, it's HEARTBREAKING to hear how people REALLY think of you, it makes you realize who your friends really are when you start on a weight loss journey. Some people who are comfortable with you being the "fat friend" will try to take you to all your favorite restaurants and try to feed you looooots of junk, (How dare they!) I've even had people tell me my pant size goal is "too small" (because it's THEIR pant size and they don't want you to be the same as them!) 36 pounds is amazing! You can so do this! If you ever need an encouraging word hit me up, I have been there, I'm down 47 pounds now myself. :)
I read this again (for the 5th time)! haahha! I love this post so much. I am SO proud of you for doing this. You've really been an inspiration to me when it comes to persistence - which this is exactly what it is. I made a huge transformation with my health in recent years and like you, it hasn't been easy at all. There were tears, sweat, low points, isolation... but on the other hand there was also clarity, focus, adrenaline highs, and motivation. The good certainly outweighed all of the bad.
I hate running. I envy those that do. All I think about is a book by Lance Armstrong called "It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life". And while he's not a runner, he's competed in marathons on a bicycle and it just sounds terrible. Trudging uphill on a mountain, then cascading downhill with rain that feel like bullets to the face... ugh... no thanks! I imagine runners experience similar trials and tribulations from the unpredictable outdoors! But hey, different strokes for different folks right? I found what works for me, I can walk for miles and miles. And I prefer to be "house cat" comfortable with my fitness videos (I *heart* Ellen, Tracey, and Kendell forever!!). It works and I feel great and even look forward to it. Its "me time" :)
Keep running! Keep going! I know you'll do great on your 10K!!
p.s. I shared this post with a few of my friends in hopes that they'll feel inspired too :)